Writing to my good self
*Originally posted 1/6/17
A polite way of referring to or addressing a person.
- Collins Online Dictionary
Where to begin.
Let's start with the title.
Self-care. Ugh. What a buzz word.
Picture the green juices, the incense, the meditation and art retreats. My mind has always rejected these things as pure hippy drivel.
How judgemental of me. Frankly, if any or all of these things give you joy and remind you to love yourself then more power to you. Knock your socks off!
I have dabbled with the green juice and I certainly have essential oils and candles (organic and homemade, thank you very much) in the house and I have been known to meditate from time to time. Actually, come to think of it a retreat sounds bloody lovely. Sign me up.
It seems obvious to me now that my utter rejection of the trappings of self-care reveal how low my regard for myself has been.
My "self" deserves better. I know that now. And so I want to formally write to my self. To my Good Self. To show respect and love as I plumb the depths of how I ended up this way and see if I can figure out what to do about it.
Turning 40 changed something in my psyche. It was as if a spotlight was suddenly switched on and focused directly onto my brain. I could no longer ignore or accept the nasty inner voice inside my head. Somehow I knew it was time to take off the blinders and see my behaviour for what it really was.
Out and out bullying.
Once I really listened to what I told myself I was deeply shocked. Frankly, I was devastated. I had convinced myself that as an adult I had grown out of such childishness and felt convinced I was a strong woman and mother and a wonderful role model to my girl.
Don't get me wrong, I believe that I am a strong woman and a damn good mother yet the fact remains that only some of me was committed to the pursuit of that. The dark undercurrent of self-loathing was always on the verge of washing me away at any moment.
It would seem that instead of "growing up" and away from this adolescent angsty self-talk, I brought it all along with me for the ride!
Phew. Talk about exhausting.
And now my own girl is almost a teen (she tells me at age eleven-and-seven-eighths that she already is) and I see similar patterns emerging. Not just in her but in all of her beautiful, hilarious friends.
Being a Mother has always made me a better, stronger person. Being a Mother is the thing which propels me forward now to in my attempt to understand and dig deeper into the female psyche in the hope that I can help my own girl let go of some of this toxic baggage.
I want to share with you what I discover. Sharing makes me accountable and also gives me more momentum to write.
I miss writing.
So here it is.
My Good Self.